Lately I've been thinking a lot about how the events in our lives shape who we are. And how I truly believe that loss is fundamental in shaping us into caring and empathetic human beings. Recently upon recommending a book to my sister I warned her that it was sad, to which she replied: "What is it with you and being sad all the time? It's like you like to be sad." She's right. I do like to be sad. Maybe that's just who I am, but I like to think it's what reminds me of how I got to this point. I have experienced soul crushing loss and sadness, but it's this that makes me know what it is to be happy and to be passionate.
I know what you're thinking: "What the fuck I thought this was about marriage equality not Kate's soul search." I guess I just felt that was the necessary introduction to my story (it does have a purpose).
As a young girl my mom was very, very close to her brother and my uncle, Mike. Now I can go ahead and cry daddy issues here (and I have them, I promise you that), but let's just keep it at: my dad was not very present. Luckily, my mom was very close to Uncle Mike. He was always there. He took us on vacations, we took trips to the city, we did so much together and so it never occurred to me that daddy wasn't there. Uncle Mike was there. I never questioned his love, I guess I just always kind of knew that he loved me and he always would.
I don't remember how old I was when I found out he was gay. I know I was pretty young. I remember asking him if he was gay. It was incredibly awkward, but it went something like this: He was in the bathroom blow-drying his hair and my cousin Allison and I approached him. I said something like "Hey, Uncle Mike did you know that people think Rosie O'Donnell is gay?" and he said something like "Oh really? Well did you know that I'M GAY?!" and I said "OK." That was that. I didn't love him less. He told me, and I didn't care. This was around the time that he started to bring Tom around, and I instantly liked Tom. He had in infectious laugh and he was fun! I'm sure I was an annoying kid, but Tom was always nice and so funny. (Apparently, the first time we met I was crying because someone threw a snowball into my NEW HAIRCUT, which IS a big fucking deal.)
I also don't remember learning that my uncle was sick. At some point I just accepted the fact that he was going to die. I could never really picture my life without him, but I had to. And I also knew that Tom would die. I would lose two of my favorite people in the whole world. I couldn't dwell (I mean, I was a kid) so I ignored it. Many years passed and Mike and Tom moved to Madison. My mom and I would go up to visit constantly. And just like always, Uncle Mike was a huge part of my life.
Toward the end, I know that Mike and Tom wanted to get married, but they couldn't. So, instead they had a small ceremony and exchanged vows. That would be good enough. After six years together, Tom died due to complications from AIDS. Uncle Mike was heartbroken and it seemed that he lost his will to fight. He missed Tom. About a year later, Uncle Mike also died due to complications from AIDS. The world lost two of the most beautiful people and it didn't even know it.
Mike and Tom loved each other more than anyone I know. They were never allowed to get married. I don't know if they needed it, but I'm quite certain they wanted it. Not for insurance purposes or tax benefits or any other bullshit reason you can think of, but because they LOVED each other. So, how can I (or any body for that matter) say that they can't get married? Who a person loves or who a person fucks is no one's business. Get over the gross factor. Grow up. We're all human.
So that turned out to be a bit sappy. Maybe a bit rushed. I hope it didn't suck too much. I just felt I had to get it off my chest.
